Day 16 – 08/03/2013

Been out in the RV for the weekend.  Gail suggested it and it has been a wonderful distraction.  Climbing hills, collecting rocks, hitting my hammer against stones hoping to break them open and find treasure.

We have adventured further afield.  Down into West Central, NM.  We just finished up a half hour in the hot springs looking up at a star filled night sky and watching the lightning in the distance.  So relaxing.

Tomorrow we head back to my place and reality.

One thing occurred last week that is settling into my soul and making me sad and even a bit angry.

One of the hard decisions you make when you find out you have cancer is who to tell, when to tell, and how to tell them.  It is a very personal choice and there are no right or wrong answers.  I knew I wanted to tell my close circle of friends immediately.  I needed the support, the laughter, and the shoulder to cry on.  When I told each one, their support was exactly what I needed and expected.  They allowed me to breakdown in tears, be strong, be afraid, be optimistic and be scared.  Each and every one filled me with love and support.  There was only one friend left to tell.  When they reached out to me it was a conversation that lacked depth.  When I mentioned I was dealing with health problems it was a brush off.  “You are on top of it I am sure.”  Then goodbye.

I know that time separates us and changes us, but I believe there are certain friends in life who will always be there.  When they are not, you feel deep sadness in your soul.  A loss that goes beyond death because you will always have hope it will come back where in death you have finality.  I can write about why this loss/disconnect of a friend happened and I can mourn it.  But, the time in my life has finally arrived where I stop living for other people’s emotions and expectations.  Where I finally stop jumping through mental gymnastics wondering why I am not what they want me to be.  Perspective can be a harsh taskmaster.

I have debated whether or not to make my cancer public.  Social media these days can either be your friend or the base of your existence.  But, I know that cancer may be a part of me but the battle is fought and won with positive energy and I need all the positive thoughts I can get.  So, after I meet with the oncologists and plastic surgeon I will let people know via social media and ask for their positive thoughts to the universe.

People wonder how I can accept prayers and not be of said religion.  I liken it to the prayer wheels and flags in Tibet and Bhutan.  It doesn’t matter who or how you pray, but every positive thought you release into the universe makes a difference.