Day 4 – 07/22/2013

Monday, back to work.  Which consists of getting up, getting on an airplane and going into the office.

To tell the boss, or not to tell the boss.  I have never been one who could not lay it out and face it.  Whatever IT is.

I went into the office still undecided but after talking to Wendy in her office and asking for advice, I decided it was better to face the conversation now rather than later.

The hardest part of the conversation is actually saying it, “I have been diagnosed with cancer.  I have breast cancer.”  Maybe there should be a therapy session where you sit in front of the mirror and look yourself in the eye and say it over and over until it gets easier to say without bursting into tears.

“I have breast cancer.”  I downloaded the Mayo app so I could read the diagnosis to help it sink into my reality.  I still think, in my mind, I am blowing it out of proportion.  That I will sit down with the surgeon and it will be nothing.  I fluctuate between denial and reality.

After crying on Wendy and getting a huge hug, a ton of support, good advice, and a reminder not to say things to myself, or beat myself up, that I would say to her I was ready to tell my boss Brad.

I thought I was going to break down.  But, I made it through the telling.  He was supportive and aware that I didn’t know the answers or treatment.  He was okay with me taking PTO at times with little notice for the appointments.  We decided not to notify HR yet as we are not to the point to be aware of impact.

Following that conversation, it was back to life, work.  I needed to forget about the health part of my world and focus on what pays the bills.

I called the Mayo to see where we were at on the appointments and they are working on them.  I want answers.  I want to move forward.  I want to be done with it already.

The night is the hardest, trying to focus on a book to relax and not research what cannot be found without knowing my underlying diagnosis.  But hypnosis and meditation programs help to sleep.